-I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
-I go online sometimes, but everybody's spelling is really bad and it depresses me.
-Some advice: Never take a blind date to a silent film.
-Avoid all needle drugs. The only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon.
-For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
-Angry people need hugs. Or sharp objects.
-People tell me I don't listen...or something like that.
-Calling you an idiot would be an insult to the stupid people.
-There is no "I" in team, but there is a "Me".
-My life is based on a true story.
-Rehab is for quitters!
-If you think nobody cares you're alive, try not filing your taxes.
-There are no stupid questions, only a vast number of inquisitive idiots.
-We're all entitled to our own opinions. So, in my opinion, your opinion sucks.
-I'm not a showoff, you're just stupid.
-Friends don't let friends get mullets.
-Or lick frozen poles.
-If Tylenol, duct tape, or a band-aid can't fix it, you've got a serious problem.
-People like you are the reason people like me hate people.
-Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more.
-By the time you have finished reading this, you will have realized you just wasted 10 seconds of your life.


Yeah, I know. I need a life.:yes:
By the way, they're called aphorisms.