JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for challenging
permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess
excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work
various hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24
hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports
tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive
courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: This is for the rest of your life. Must be willing
to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the
physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in
three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard
are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating
technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish
toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars
and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have
ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages
and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, and
embarrassed the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing
of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Must
always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume
final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work
throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job
is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining,
constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your
charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering frequent raises and
bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the
assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about
this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you
could only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, job
supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for
life if you play your cards right.